Thoughts about being alone

Today, I'm wondering about what it means to be alone. What do I mean alone here? Perhaps I should use a word solitude. Dictionary.com (HA!) defines solitude in this way:

remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity

As I think about myself in various relationships with many types of people, I couldn't help but to wonder...oh, wait. I'm not Carrie Bradshaw or can NEVER BE AS WITTY AS HER...perhaps I've been watching too much Sex and the City, but I AM on Season 6, so it should be over soon..ahem. Wait, to be honest... I actually think she's a horrible men eating witch in the show, and I really really dislike her character but I digress...

So, the longer I live and get myself in various relationships with people, I realize the importance of a true solitude, away from friends, co-workers, computers, and pretty much everything that makes you feel comfortable on a day-to-day basis. I think a true solitude actually can result in great things, most importantly- self reflection.

The rather cynical poster above assumes that people around you are aware of the purpose of your solitude. Yes, I must admit, writers do go lock themselves up to 'write' for months on end attempting to produce the jewel of their existence. It is a known fact that the legendary screenwriter Paul Thomas Anderson (Writer of Magnolia, Punch drunk love, There will be blood) usually locks himself up for 7-8 months to produce a feature length screenplay. All P.T. Anderson's fanatics know this. However, this kind of a solitude is somewhat intentional and planned; it is a (hopeful) agent for a big change. By doing this, you're hoping that something will happen, to accomplish a goal. This is not what I'm talking about.

The true solitude is having a late night tea alone after 9-5 work day in the kitchen; it is smoking a cig alone sitting on a park bench; it is sitting on a swing alone occasionally kicking sand and getting it in your shoes; it is biking to the beach alone experiencing the sunset; it is laying on your car looking at the stars on a summer night...This kind of somewhat spontaneous, unexpected, yet joyful moments that you spend completely alone can sometimes lead to- well usually train of thoughts. What am I doing here? What kind of a person am I? What is important in my life? Is my relationship working? Do I want to be here? These fundamental questions that would otherwise get shadowed by ephemeral pleasures of life actually get brought out to the light. Suddenly, you might get really confused, sad, perhaps pensive. Oh noes, you are away from Extra Extra, The Hills, House, Lost, Excessive cleaning habits, vanilla ice cream truffles, too nice of ex boyfriends or girlfriends, alcohol, friends, Google, Pandora, facebook, livejournal, blogspot, superficial relationships...

It gets REALLY confusing. But, I think those moments help us to answer the infinite yet sporadic WTFs of your life. Sure, you have some of the questions answered already, but what about the the blank fields in between the answered questions? Or maybe, you don't want to think- that's fine! Just look at the sunset, look at the moon, look at the stars, gather yourself and enjoy it. Had a shitty day at work? Boss micro managing you? Relationships not working well? Married but really want to 'get to know' that waiter? Mom died but don't feel sad? Feel alone despite having plans every day of the week? Can't decide whether to go to get a Ph.D or become an aesthetician? Well, have some tea and get some air but do this alone. Maybe you'll come up with a solution, or a plan instead of talking to 1234123 people about your problems. Gathered yourself a little? Maybe then it's the right time to get other people's advice...and at the end, you will probably appreciate/ value whatever that is important just a little bit...more.

Grace/Seoul

Grace said she spent most of her time in Korea. I asked her a simple question of,

“Oh, what reminds you of Seoul?”

I honestly didn’t expect a long answer, but this is what Grace said to me,

“Seoul is my home. It is the place I remember when I listen to Korean ballad music; when I stare at the sizzling Korean bbq right in front of me; when I drown my sorrow in soju; when I sing my heart out at a Korean karaoke place in K-town; when I meet a Korean dude to drink soju with; when I watch Korean game shows that are just so, amazingly atrociously funny; when I smell city trees after a heavy rain; when I experience humid summers; when I encounter rather greasy and typical middle aged Korean business men; when I smoke cigarettes while walking on a cold, cold winter day; when I drink fish cake soup; when I see the growing wrinkles next to my mother’s eyes; when I see the gold teeth in my grandma’s mouth, when I see my grandfather’s denture, when I see a foil wrapped soap in the bathtub, when I find a kimchee bucket in the bathroom, when I unexpectedly find still photographs from of my childhood while packing to move, when I look at my Korean calligraphy trophy….And when I’m lonely at 3am in Boston surfing the web with tears in my eyes…”

Do-er v. Wanter

Before I get into today's discussion, I would like to briefly talk about a book I'm reading.
I'm currently reading:
Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things.

Feel free to look this up. It's a collection of bunch of charming stories written by the story god himself, Neil Gaiman, also the author of the legendary comic book, The Sandman. I must say, Neil Gaiman's stories are very very interesting. Well, interesting is not the perfect word to describe how I feel about his short stories. Perhaps...enticing? eerie? strangely poignant, dark?
Long story short, I highly recommend it. I'm about 60% done, and I definitely have my 3-4 favorite short stories already!

My next books lined up are: Wild Sheep Chase by Murakami and Of Human Bondage by Maugham. Both were recommended to me by avid readers, also very good friends, and I trust their judgement in books, so I'm highly highly excited not to say the least.

Today I'm going to talk about the Do-er v. Wanter. I'm not sure if these are dictionary terms, but I'm not sure if I care too much since we live in a such-the-hyphenated-society. I mean, Woot is the MW's word of the year. Come on! Besides, I'm fobby, so I STILL have an excuse to make up my own words.

So lately, I've been observing lots of Do-ers and Wanters. I define Do-ers as people that do stuff that they like. Example, Samantha loves music, so she picks up the guitar and starts to play. She keeps going, and eventually learns to play pretty well consistently. Generally, Do-ers seem to be mainly focused on their own improvement in whatever they feel passionate about. They're not surfing the web, looking for talented people's websites and drooling, feeling jealous. Here is where the Wanters come in. I've observed lots of wanters lately. Wanters feel overwhelemd by the talent in the world and feel very inadequate. They seem to feel like they don't have the talent to persue their passion. They feel like they're out of time.

"There is no way I can do this on time."
"How can she do that? Oh my god!"

They seem to be looking at other people's work, being impressed by them rather than spending time on improving their own work. The more they search for great work, they feel even more discouraged to really start living out their dream.

What's good? I'm not sure. In my opinion, it's good to be both. It's good to be a wanter, because you are constantly inspired by others' work, but it's also great to be a Do-er, because you're spending this energy to something that is tangible, in order to improve your self, and fuel your passion.